anger

i just realized how much anger i hold in me. it's pretty ridiculous actually. i started thinking about how easily i'm angered & how destructive i get, and i'm thinking i might be bipolar. my mood swings happen instantly & are drastic. it's really crazy. the smallest of things trigger it and make me furious!

a perfect example was today. so i'm out of church all happy that i got to see raygan after like 2 months & still very happy from friday. so i'm at costco with my mom & we pass by the area that they had the rockband 2 set up. and because this year i don't really want anything for christmas & i don't normally play video games i asked my mom to buy me that because it's the only time i'd ever use the wii or ps3. well she tells me that my dad & her are never going to buy me it because they think i don't truely want it, that i'm only asking it because my best friend wants it. like what the hell man?

it's always this way. whenever i want to do something that isn't normally me, they always go and say i only want it because some friend of mine does or have it. like am i not allowed to have a mind of my own & want certain things? who gives a shit if a friend of mine does or have something very similar? maybe i actually liked it & want to try.

god, and if that wasn't bad enough she starts telling me that i need to stop arguing when they're telling me something that i know is wrong on their part. she directly told me that no matter what i'm never going to win the arguement & that it's only going to stress everyone out. well i told her that either way I'M going to be stressed. can you guess what she said to me? she said "well keep it to yourself then because we don't want nor need to hear it." WHAT THE FUCK?! is my life getting so ridiculous that i have to just put up with their bullshit? i don't think so. it's not my nature to just sit there and take things. i will continue to argue & they can suck it. i'm counting the days until i leave my house.

& ok i'm really messed up in the head. like i have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Depression, & now i think Bipolar Disorder (which are all mental disorders that can be fixed) but like i can't tell my parents this. they're so closed minded that they don't even want to try to understnad what they are or take me to a doctor. my mother simply tells me that i'm going crazy & need to go to a mental hospital. thanks mom.

i'm sick of my house, at this point i want to move back to brazil & live with my godmother.

i wasn't even going to post this, i have a blog i started last night telling veryone how amazing friday was but i fell asleep last night & didn't get to finish it. but i had to get this off my chest or i was going to really go crazy.