phobia freak!

ok so there's this websie that lists hundreds of phobias with their formal name & what they mean. i have a lot of phobias & compussions, so i thought i'd list a few of them here! :D

Fear of:

1. darkness
2. heights
3. insanity
4. pain
5. needles
6. amnesia
7. satying single
8. bees
9. imperfection
10. being forgotten
11. failure
12. stairs
13. depth
14. amphibians
15. being ridiculed
16. confined spaces
17. being locked in
18. falling down stairs
19. making decisions
20. obkects at the right side of the body
21. crossing bridges
22. speaking in public
23. hell
24. blood
25. the number 666
26. bums
27. going to the doctor
28. insects
29. solitude
30. tornadoes & hurricanes
31. childbirth
32. punishment
33. ants
34. hospitals
35. stan
36. dependence on others
37. being burried alive
38. having a deformed child
39. certain places and/or situations
40. moving and/or making changes
41. injections
42. the color yellow

i hope i don't sound too paranoid hahahaha! well hopefully this entertained you for a bit. HAPPY TURKEY DAY! :D

dedication. devotion. love. life.

all these words add up to one very simple name, Saosin.

now, i understand that to them i'm simply just another fan, but to me they are so much more than just a band. you see when i'm feeling any kind of unwanted emotion, all i have to do to feel better is crank up the volume on my iPod and let Cove's voice, Beau's & Justin's guitars, Chris' bass, & Alex's drums sooth my feelings. never have i felt so strongly, so passionately about a band. never have i done whatever it took to be at their concert, to get a simple glance at them. i have gone to 5 of their concerts, and this past saturday it became 6.

saturday was a cloudy, cold day with a slight chance of rain. it was my first of 10 days of relaxation, and i was up at 7 am- sharp. i was out of the house by 8:30, out of ihop with my best friend by 9:30-10:00, & at a venue located in a horrible part of downtown dallas at 11:42. all of this so i could sit in the freezing cold for roughly 9 hours. all of this to see the people i love more than anything again after being away for 10 months.

i suffered in the bitter cold, i sat on hard concrete, fasted pretty much all day, stood through a crappy metal band & a crazy goo band that made the crowd around me make me want to cry in pain, all to start bawling tears of joy the minute they stepped on that stage. it was like time slowed down & all i saw was them right there in front of me, so close yet distanced by the baracades. their set was too short, too rushed, but enough to satisfy my need to see and hear them.

i was pulled out of the amazingly crowded pit, slammed my thigh on the baracade, limped out to the back of the venue to their bus, and bothered someone to have the guys come out. i talked to chris & justin, and then they went back in. i saw cove randomly walking by, but he eventually dissapeared. getting frustrated but staying determined, i saw cove again and asked if he could have beau & alex come out. because alex was in the shower, only beau came outside. the minute he stepped out of the bus, a huge smile appeared on his adorable face. he walked over and gave me th ebest hug i've had since october of last year. instead of the usual hi, signature, picture, & bye he actually stayed there for at least 30 mins having an actual indepth conversation with me. i felt so happy. he eventually had to go, but then out came mr.rodriguez. the biy that always hudes from us, the boy impossible to talk to, the biy who is such a sweetheart. i was so happy to get a chance to chat with him.

it was such an amazing experience, & i don't regret anything i did that day. i miss them already & am excited to see them again. i'm one devoted little girl, & i know they appreciate my support.

war

my body has officially declared war aginst me. during the summer i had a few stomach problems, but now it's getting crazy. i need to really watch what i eat now. but i'm in class right now about ready to die :[ i had to leave early yesterday because of the pain. ughhhhhhhhhhhh kill me!

rules?

ok so i'm at church 3 times a week & i highly enjoy it. but in the past 2 weeks some of the things we've been discussing in bible study have been making me feel...disturbed. like i'm not a huge fan of organized religions, so the fact that sometimes they're saying that what's written in the bible MUST be followed really ticks me off.

let's start with me saying that i didn't grow up going to church, i didn't grow up in a very religious family. i started going to church only this summer actually.

so the first one that doesn't go well with me is the fact that in church they pretty much force it down your throat that you have to wait until you're married to have sex. now i'm not encouringing premarital sex, not at all. but never in my life was i told by anyone that i HAVE to wait. it's a personal decision i made, not to god, but to my fututre husband. it's quite different. i feel like if you have premarital sex the church pretty much shuns you for it. we are each individuals who make our own choices & mistakes. simple enough.

the second one is that christians sometimes are so high & mighty when it comes to other religions. although we may all believe in the same or similar god, they say if you dont' believe that jesus died for our sins, you're going to hell. i think that is so worng. although i'm very greatful that jesus died for me to live, i don't think it's right that the others will not go to heaven just for that.

and the most recent one- that was actually disscussed today- was that we shouldn't associate ourselves with nonbelievers. ok that one really made me mad. so now the church & bible get to decide who i can & can't be friends with or even date? i do not think so. it was just so frustrating to sit there for you know like an hour and a half and listen to Ryan say that we shouldn't associate with them because they'll bring us down and blah blah blah. but then he turns around and tells us a story of how a nonbeliever started going to church because she was dating a christian and how all of a sudden she dissapeared. when asked why she stoped going she said that from what she if that was what being a christian was, she didn't want to be part of it. so it's like we're just as bad. i don't know, i mean it just made me pretty angry.

well that's enough on my point of views. guys please don't come argue with me, this is what i think- not what i believe should be right.

poop

i know i said i'd update you tonight, but there is no way in hell i am. i'm too sick to sit here & type a bunch of stuff up. oh & i know i still haven't posted the blog about halloween up. i promise i'll try to do it this weekend. good night & pray that i get better because i'm pretty dran sick :[

"we'll seel it with a kiss on the lips as we say 'i do' in a church of sin"

i use way too may parts of songs as my titles haha. but i love A Kidnap In Color! <3 well this was just for randomness & fun. i'll update you tonight.

failure

never in my life have i failed any class, well not until this year.

so texas is very stupid & requires you to have a fine arts credit before you graduate high school. well the fact that i did choir for 7 freaking years before i started freshman year obviously doesn't count here! so now that i'm a sophomore i decided to take music theory because i didn't want to go back to choir (even though i love to sing more than anything in my life).

god, if i had known what i'd be getting myself into i would've never signed up for this class! i'm in it right now & just took a test that i know i failed. it sucks so bad because i've never been so clueless in any class. on our first report card it was the first time in my almost 16 years of life that i had a C on it! i almost cried.

but what bothers me the most is that normal art class counts as fine arts credit, yet photojournalism doesn't count as fine arts or technology (i need that credit too). what the heck?! photography is an art & we're working with computers and digital cameras, how is that not fine arts or technology??? ugh!

well lucky for me, i talked to my counselor & she said at the end of this semester i can drop out of music theory & join photoj II!!! i'll just take like art or something next year.

well class ends in 9 minutes so i'm off, have a wonderful day :]

overrated

ugh! it makes me so mad how overrated the twilight saga is! like i bought twilight when it FIRST came out & now it's all girls talk about. some even get so ridiculous to think that "vampires" are real & hat one day they'll find an eduward. like are you kidding me? it's called a fiction book for a reason, dears. it's all imagination gone right to make money, period. now i give stephenie total props for writing such interesting & successful books but it's gotten way out of control. oh well, i still enjoy the story & always will. i'm not about to let dumb little girls ruin something i like :]

pictures say a thousand words

he's now mr.president & i knew he'd win.

sickness

what is it abou the fall & winter that makes me be constanly ill? jeez! it's so annoying. oh & sunday i had some evil jerky that made really sick. i couldn't hold anything down for longer than 20 minutes. my sunday night & most of monday was nto very pleasent. poopie. oh well, i'm better now. well, if you don't count the fact that i have a cold coming on. time to start bundleling up & keeping warm! :]

anger

i just realized how much anger i hold in me. it's pretty ridiculous actually. i started thinking about how easily i'm angered & how destructive i get, and i'm thinking i might be bipolar. my mood swings happen instantly & are drastic. it's really crazy. the smallest of things trigger it and make me furious!

a perfect example was today. so i'm out of church all happy that i got to see raygan after like 2 months & still very happy from friday. so i'm at costco with my mom & we pass by the area that they had the rockband 2 set up. and because this year i don't really want anything for christmas & i don't normally play video games i asked my mom to buy me that because it's the only time i'd ever use the wii or ps3. well she tells me that my dad & her are never going to buy me it because they think i don't truely want it, that i'm only asking it because my best friend wants it. like what the hell man?

it's always this way. whenever i want to do something that isn't normally me, they always go and say i only want it because some friend of mine does or have it. like am i not allowed to have a mind of my own & want certain things? who gives a shit if a friend of mine does or have something very similar? maybe i actually liked it & want to try.

god, and if that wasn't bad enough she starts telling me that i need to stop arguing when they're telling me something that i know is wrong on their part. she directly told me that no matter what i'm never going to win the arguement & that it's only going to stress everyone out. well i told her that either way I'M going to be stressed. can you guess what she said to me? she said "well keep it to yourself then because we don't want nor need to hear it." WHAT THE FUCK?! is my life getting so ridiculous that i have to just put up with their bullshit? i don't think so. it's not my nature to just sit there and take things. i will continue to argue & they can suck it. i'm counting the days until i leave my house.

& ok i'm really messed up in the head. like i have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Depression, & now i think Bipolar Disorder (which are all mental disorders that can be fixed) but like i can't tell my parents this. they're so closed minded that they don't even want to try to understnad what they are or take me to a doctor. my mother simply tells me that i'm going crazy & need to go to a mental hospital. thanks mom.

i'm sick of my house, at this point i want to move back to brazil & live with my godmother.

i wasn't even going to post this, i have a blog i started last night telling veryone how amazing friday was but i fell asleep last night & didn't get to finish it. but i had to get this off my chest or i was going to really go crazy.