ok so let's be real. how many times have you tried making a joke that no one understood so they just sat there? & then things get all awkward and weird, right? (trust me i'm trying to make a point here) well while a lot of us fear the reactions we'll get from what we say, the reactions we cause internally are far more complicating than anything we could ever say. the moment someone expects a reactions from you & you keep it to yourself, the imaginations runs wild. i speak here from experience.
we're all so programed now to be "polite" that we forget that some things actually need to be spoken. i'm learning that by keeping so many things to myself, whatever is bothering me will NEVER change! it'll just keep on happening until i put an end to it. but i can only wish it was that easy. i mean, latino parents are crazy strict on "manners". i'm not even kidding. especially towards anyone at least 3 years older than us.
take this sunday for example. so i went to church, had a blast, came home, talked to my god mother, & went out to lunch with my mom & 2 family friends. now our family friends, bruno & luana, are such sweeties. they're older than me, but younger than my parents. actually, they're 14 years older than me, but 14 years younger than my parents! hahah anyways...so bruno is like that annoying older brother i never had. & normally it's crazy funny when he's teasing me and stuff. but sunday at lunch i got seriously ticked off!
we all have things we can't do & things have PHOBIAS (not just simply scared) of. i'm no exception to this. i can't ride a bike (no one ever bothered teaching me & i never cared for it) & i'm DEATHLY afraid of doctors/medical needles. simple as that. no one makes a big deal about it, & when it comes to the phobia my parents do what they can to help me. so we were all talking & got on the topic of both these things (not at the same time). and bruno decided it'd be cool to make fun of me for not knowing how to ride a bike. he said a lot of crap that went in through one ear & out the other. but when he got to the needles thing, i wanted to punch him. he was saying that it was ridiculous that someone as big as me should be scared of needles. i honestly think that half the time he forgets i'm only 15. but he doesn't understand that since i was freaking 2 years old or whatever, i've beed terrified of them. so it's not a silly thing i can just "get over". this phobia will probably be with me for the rest of my life.
but what was bothering me was not the fact that he was teasing me, but that this was even concerning him. because he wasn't just teasing, he was being serious about it. he's not even close to being related to me, so why even try to get into this. it's none of his business.
but this brings me back to the whole not speaking your mind/manners things. i wanted so badly to say something, stand up for myself, tell him off, ANYTHING! but i couldn't, because i have "manners". now do i seriously have manners, you bet i do. i can be the most polite person you'll ever meet, but no one is that way 24/7. & i couldn't say a word that day because the minute i got back in my car, my mom would've bitched me out for being rude. so i sat there and tried not to fling my steak knife at his head. :]
& it's like my parents are so dumb. they've taught me so wrong. i know i have to respect my parents, duh! but when i know for a fact that i'm right, i'm not going to shut up until my point has been made. & they refuse to admit to being wrong. and because i've been taught to not talk back, i shut up, turn around, run in my bathroom, & cry until i throw up. but what i've been realizing lately is that, sure i feel better after i do this, but if i keep doing it my parents will never know how i feel when they do this & i'll always be unhappy.
now, i am only 15 years old & am very young. but if anyone could live in my head for a week they'd see just how old i really feel. i guarantee that i will never be on the maturity level i'm supposed to be at. today i proved this, i was acting more mature than my parents. as i keep getting older, i realize even more of what's going on around me. i've realized that, yes i am a horrible person, but it's ok because i know it & god will forgive me for it. i've also realized how much my parents have lied to me my entire life. i seriously grew up in a world of lies. i can see a parent lying to keep their child safe from real danger, but the things i've found out are just ridiculous. i won't go into detail but i'm sure you have an idea of what i mean. i'm sick of it. i take everything i hate about my parents & file it away for when i have a child. i'll raise them the way i wish i was raised. & my mother wonders why i keep things from her...
well i've talked enough. i want to go shower & sleep. have a great week everyone.
