all i have to say is

i can't wait to move out.

where have i been??

around.

i just haven't had anything to say, honestly.

but hi, i'm here, i'm alive.

today was my first day of "college", and it was pretty good.

only have 2 classes on monday.

my first professor is really cool, she's super funny.

my second one is alright...it's not so much him but the stupid class...GEOLOGY!

that class (which is an almost 3 hr lab and then a separate 2hr lecture) will be the death of me.

i don't have classes on tuesday, wednesday i have psychology again & math, thursday humanities & the dang geology lecture, friday only psychology (again), & i got stuck with my english class on saturday...how lame huh?!

but i'm ok with all of it.

took me a while but i'm at peace.

i'm just really looking forward to to meeting new people and such (:

also i've been like REALLY sick.

we don't have health insurance so we're having to save up so i can have 5 million tests ran to see what is wrong with my intestines/bowels/stomach.

all i know is that i get almost violently ill within minutes after eating /:

it's been an awful couple of weeks.

but i'm getting better...hopefully.

p.s. as a random little fact to leave you with, over the last month i've realized that i've ALWAYS liked my best friend...and idk how to see what he feels...so i'm stuck. UGHHH!

i'm all kinds of miserable

my financial aid would've been approved,

except for the small fact that they were OUT OF FUNDING.

which only proves tha t if you work hard,

and do all the right things you only get screwed over in the end.

i just want to sit here and cry over the fact that i'm having to give up all my dreams.

and once i finally take a second to not me sad, i can only feel resentment towards my parents.

i don't want to feel that towards them, but this is their fault.

we moved here 11 years ago, knowing we weren't going back,

so how can you not put a single dollar aside for my future?

i did my part, got all the good grades, all the right scores, got all the help i needed to get my things done, only to have it thrown in my face in the end that i can't have any of it.

had i known this, i could've been an idiot like all the other kids going to CCCC and saved my time by not bothering with school, act, or applications.

i just hate my life.

all my plans are going to poop

i'm not going to have my financial aid stuff come through in time
even if it does, it'll be late & i won't be able to go to mandatory orientation
i won't be able to declare my major in time
i won't be able to sign up for my classes in time

and most important,
i won't be able to rush a sorority...

this sucks.

wow

life is just being really awful right now.

everything is going wrong.

EVERYTHING.

just broke up with my bf,

yet we still talk like we're friends.

which means i'm stuck listening to him blab about this new girl.

i worked hard to get into my top college,

but because they messed up and because my parents never saved money,

i probably won't be going.

and worst of all,

i cried in front of my mom today.

which made her cry.

which only made me cry more.

everything is just awful right now.

i just wanna curl up into a ball and die.

here's something you didn't know

(sorry about the pictures being cut off, if you save them to the desktop you can read the text just fine)

from the beginning, my relationship with dave has been a different kind of relationship.

because of the distance we always said that yes, we were together but we wouldn't want the other to sit by and let something pass them by.

i've always understood that.

the distance is tough, and if someone here came up, i'd take the opportunity.

but part of that agreement would be that we would always be open about it,

and we would talk it out and make sure everything was understood.

but apparently i was the only one who help up my end.

about a month ago he started acting different.

turns out he'd met someone at a friend's get together.

and after a week or two he finally talked to me and mentioned how he had feeling for her but because she came with too many complications and he didn't want to pursue her.

but ever since then, he's been very distant from me.

he's been hanging out with her...all the time.

so today was my breaking point.

i would tell you the story, but here, you can read it for yourself:

i mean i don't even know what to do.

i know i'm done & i've been done.

but the pain isn't any less.

luckily my best friend, matt, called me like right after.

he's great and understanding.

i hate relationships.

here's something i've realized...

over the last 4 years, i've done a lot of changing.

i've grown up a lot, not just physically but mostly mentally.

i've learned a lot of things;

one of the things i did learn is that my wants in life have changed.

when i was a freshman, i really wanted a boyfriend to just have one.

now i really want someone to truly LOVE me.

(yes friends, there is a difference)

i wanted to go to rock and metal concerts.

now i want to go to raves.

i just couldn't wait to be a senior.

now i can't wait to have a job & family.

i used to want to move out to get away from my parents.

and although i still do, i also just want to have my own HOME.

and most importantly,

i used to have issues with my body and appearance.

now i know i am a beautiful person and do like myself.

it's gonna sound a little silly, so bare with me, it kinda clicked tonight.

i went to see Cirque du Soleil and one of the acts was really intense.

not just because what the performers were doing was super difficult and crazy,

but because it was a couple and they were telling a love story.

and while i normally think love stories are cheesy and i don't care for them,

the chemistry that was spilling from them was intense.

and it really made me sit there and think,

sure i kinda sorta have Dave, but he's far away.

i want someone here, now, giving me a tight hug every time they see me.

someone to kiss me goodbye.

someone to cuddle with and talk about my day.

now i do understand this sounds super cliche and such,

but we want what we don't have.

and i'm one person who has yet to fall in love.

i want to be head over heels in love with someone who feels the same way.

i wanna know what it's like to be a happy couple in love.

sure i've loved people, i love Dave right now...sorta, but i'm not IN love with him.

sad huh?

i know that my real life is just about to start, but still.

i'm tired of being alone...really tired.